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our message
FAMILY RELATIONS
Over the next two weeks I want to study what God has to say on the subject of relationships in the family.
Today I want to look at the foundations for successful relationships and next week I want to focus on male-female roles in the special relationships of marriage and parenting.
The family is the human social unit on which society is built. In the family there is the potential for love and support and encouragement and instruction that can occur nowhere else. The family can never be replaced by state agencies as some countries have found to their great damage. As families and family relationships are unraveling in Western societies, these societies are becoming increasingly fragmented, increasingly unhappy, and ever closer to total collapse.
The family works through the unconditional love and the unselfish example of the parents. Helpless babies are born and children are raised and fed and cared for and loved and taught, by the ones that gave them life. Both parents have an incredibly significant role to play in this process of raising children. Research has shown conclusively that children that are raised in families that have both a mother and a father are significantly more healthy in every measurable way than those who have only one parent or are wards of the state. Recent research is showing in particular, how important the father is to the development of children. That is, a father who is involved with the family, and takes his role as parent seriously.
Marriage does not always work out and situations arise which are far from ideal. But a solo parent who trusts in the Lord will find that although there are great difficulties, God will help and he has said that he will be a father to the fatherless.
Psalms 68:5 A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation.
God set up statutes in Israel for the care and provision of the widows and fatherless.
Exodus 22:22 Ye shall not afflict any widow, or fatherless child.
Deuteronomy 24:17-22.
17 Thou shalt not pervert the judgment of the stranger, nor of the fatherless; nor take a widow's raiment to pledge:
18 But thou shalt remember that thou wast a bondman in Egypt, and the LORD thy God redeemed thee thence: therefore I command thee to do this thing.
19 When thou cuttest down thine harvest in thy field, and hast forgot a sheaf in the field, thou shalt not go again to fetch it: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hands.
20 When thou beatest thine olive tree, thou shalt not go over the boughs again: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow.
21 When thou gatherest the grapes of thy vineyard, thou shalt not glean it afterward: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless, and for the widow.
22 And thou shalt remember that thou wast a bondman in the land of Egypt: therefore I command thee to do this thing.
In the Christian Church, scripture also places a responsibility on every Christian to do their part in helping those in their midst who are not blessed with a complete family.
1 Timothy 5:4 But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.
James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
If you are a Christian and you are blessed with a full and normal family then it is your responsibility to share with and support those who are not so fortunate in our midst starting with those to whom you are related.
In this we see the heart of God. He recognizes that not all will have husbands and wives or two parents.
Psalms 68:6 God sets the solitary in families: He brings out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.
No matter what our situation, God Himself offers to be a Father to us, making us His own dear children. Maybe we never had a dad who loved us. God the father will be our father and we will be His children.
John 1:12 But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:
2 Corinthians 6:18 And I will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.
Galatians 3:26 For you are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus
Galatians 4:6 And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, crying, Abba, Father.
Ephesians 5:1 Be therefore followers of God, as dear children;
So even if in this world we have failed to enjoy what others enjoy and what God's best plan for man is, yet when we begin to follow Jesus Christ we can come into relationships that supply us with what we have missed.
We can come into a relationship with Jesus Christ who is the head of the church and whose death on the cross has brought to us forgiveness and salvation and eternal life.
We can come into a relationship with God the Father, who gives us grace and peace, and into a relationship with the Holy Spirit who reveals the Father to us and guides us into the pathway of wisdom and fruitfulness. The Holy Spirit puts into our renewed hearts all the love of the father, filling all the empty lonely places inside, and overflowing into loving service and grateful praise to God.
John 14:23 Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.
It is true that unless we have a relationship with God all our earthly relationships will be unsatisfying and easily corrupted. If we are at peace with God we can be at peace with ourselves and then we can have peace in our relationships with others.
Eccles 4:9-12
9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
11 Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?
12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Verse 12 says that a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
In all our relationships it is God's plan that there is a TRIANGLE. God at the top of the triangle and the relationship across the bottom of the triangle. Every engineer knows that the triangle is the strongest component of his structural designs. If the sides of the triangle going up to God from the base are strong, then the base itself will also be given great strength.
Now the key relationship in a family is that between husband and wife. Christian psychologists have said that the greatest single contribution a man can make to the proper development of his children is to love their mother. As children see dad loving mum they have security, they have stability, they have hope for the future, they have an example to follow.
Now before I begin talking about the relationship between a man and woman that leads into marriage I want to make it clear that not all will marry. The New Testament scriptures make a case for not marrying and hold up the single lifestyle as advantageous in several ways. However it also accepts that the usual situation is marriage and has much to say on the married state. Nevertheless the great apostle Paul was a single man who elevated the status of singleness and proclaimed its great usefulness to those who were called to it by God.
1 Cor 7:1-9
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.
9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
Paul's attitude is that it is better to be single, but if you can't handle it get married. Vs 25-28.
25 Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful.
26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be.
27 Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.
28 But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.
In a book called "Families at the Crossroads" the author reminds us that while married Christians have the missionary advantage of hospitality, the single Christian has the missionary advantage of mobility. Swapping singleness for marriage simply swaps the framework by which we can serve God. The single can offer God the ability to go any place any time. But the married can offer a hub of stability for those around them. The Apostle Paul considered singleness to be slightly more advantageous to the gospel.
In the days in which we live there is a marked retreat from marriage, and those who do marry, leave it to much later. This is true both in the world and in the church. Recent research in Britain reveals an army of restless single Christians in the church who are struggling with being unmarried. Christian singles struggle because their counterparts in the world who are not marrying are nevertheless still moving in and out of sexual and emotional relationships and seem, on the surface, to be escaping the loneliness of singleness by their promiscuity. To some faithful Christian singles there is a growing fear that their church membership is becoming a life sentence of sexual and emotional isolation. They are deeply wounded when they see other Christian singles leave the faith to live in sexual relationships with unbelievers. Being a Christian single has great pressure on it these days. Because of the world's values the desire to have a partner can become so strong that if the church does not hold out a reasonable prospect of marriage, singles can be greatly tempted to stray. The church has a responsibility to provide opportunities of fellowship for its unmarried singles that enable them to make friends and form relationships that may or may not lead to marriage.
Yet in all their difficulty, unmarried singles or widows or divorced people need to be encouraged to remember that this life is short and that eternity lies ahead. They must, like everyone else, live with eternity's values in view. Remembering that only God truly satisfies and that no one knows what tomorrow holds for them. They must remember that many who are married are not in a happy arrangement and suffer continually from the selfishness and even cruelty of an ungodly spouse. Getting married is not in itself an answer to anything. For some people who marry without due prayer and consideration, it is a jump from the frying pan into the fire.
Christian singles must endeavor to be pure and sexually disciplined with the help of the Holy Spirit. They must seek to enter into the community of the church, pressing past their own individual needs and desires into true Christian character formation and long term service, so that the short term, often selfish goal of finding a partner, does not drown them in its frustrations and disappointments. All things need to be kept in their true perspective. We all, whether we are married or single, need to remember the words of Jesus in Matt 16:24,25.
24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.
God himself created the two sexes. And He established marriage.
Some people have tried to humorously describe men and women in ways that show their difference. Like the description of a man as someone who buys tickets to the big sports event 3 months in advance but waits until Christmas Eve to buy presents for his family.
Or the person who said that when a man answers the phone he reaches for a pencil, but when a woman answers the phone she reaches for a chair.
Anyway we are very different and we must remember that God made us that way.
Gen 1:26-28.
26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
We see that man was created in the image or likeness of God. Man is a reflection of God, yet man is made as male and female and so in God there is combined in a mysterious way those elements of personality that are uniquely male and female. So although God is referred to in the masculine sense, God knows the heart and mind and soul of a woman as well as he knows a man because in God there is the perfection of all that has been imaged into the woman as well as the man. In making man, God, as it were, took something which is oneness and unity within Himself and separated it into two complimentary packages. So that there is, in man and woman, a yearning for the completion of that which they obtained only in part, from the God that made them.
We see this thought in Gen 2:18 where God says that it was not good for man to be alone and that God would make a helper comparable to him, suitable to him. The sense of the Hebrew word is "one that completes." So in marriage relationships the key to understanding God's plan for us is that we compliment each other and fulfill each other, we do not compete with each other.
Gen 2:21-25.
21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
There is a saying that God did not take the bone from Adam's head so that Eve would rule over him, or from his foot so that Adam would tread her down, but from next to his heart so that they would be true companions, equal in the sight of God but different in nature, and complimentary in roles.
In the design of a successful marriage there are three clear foundation stones that God wants us to ensure are in place.
Leaving our parents. This means that the new couple cast off the authority of the parents and establish a new unit independent of and uninfluenced by either set of parents. It usually means that they live separate too, but the key element is not the physical separation, but rather the severing of the lines of authority. A husband must be free to be the husband and the wife must be free to be the wife without interference, pressure or influence from the previous generation.
Now of course a wise man and a wise woman will seek advice and counsel from many sources including the one that is closest at hand, namely the parents. Parents should always be available to help and support when they are asked or needed, but this is very different from interference.
Many marriages are damaged greatly by the control of one of the partner's parents. The wife may still be under the authority and control of her mother instead of transferring that to her husband where it rightly belongs. The man may still be affected by his mother or father in ways that annoy and irritate his wife. God's ideal for each marriage is that the couple leaves their parents and become completely responsible before God for what course they take in their marriage. They become a new unit under God, a new triangle. Is this true of your marriage?
Cleave to his wife. This means to be joined to, to stick to, to cling to. When quoted in the New Testament by Jesus, the meaning of the Greek word for cleave is to be glued to.
God is saying, "Man, you have chosen this woman to be your wife, now she is to be exclusively yours. Stick to her, cleave to her, never play around with another woman, never spend time with another woman, never make your wife jealous by your looseness to her. Stick to her like glue and do everything to make that glue stronger. Avoid, shun, spurn the presence of any other woman that causes your wife to feel as if you are not being exclusively hers."
Some foolish men play around with other women. Some married women flirt with other men. They spend unnecessary time in their presence. They join with them in unnecessary activities. They say it is harmless and innocent but it is far from this in the sight of God. Every man, every woman needs to do all he can to make the glue stronger and not weaker. The word cleave is a very strong word and God will hold a man or woman eternally responsible if by his foolishness and pride he causes the glue in his marriage to come unstuck and brings suffering and heartache on his spouse and children by his disobedience to this foundation stone of Christian marriage. A spiritual man will do nothing to damage his marriage relationship with his wife. He will do everything for the building up of his wife and for the strengthening of the marriage glue.
Become one flesh. This means that they now, in a sense, are like one person. It obviously refers to sexual union but it is more than this.
Ephes 5:28,29,33
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church:
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
We are to recognize that in the complementary nature of our relationship we are no longer just individuals with the freedoms we had when we were single. No, our union in marriage means that we are now like a single body. In our body we consider all the parts and we move in unity. Our legs don't say, "I refuse to walk!" when our stomach is telling us to go to the kitchen and get something to eat, no our legs submit to the stomach's need. When we are studying for an exam and our mind says to our body I need to work late into the night, our body cooperates and the muscles put up with the stiffness of sitting in a chair for long hours, and our eyes grow weary. Each part of the body recognizes the needs of the other parts and works in with that part to achieve the goal for the benefit of the whole body.
So it is in marriage. The goals of a marriage, the responsibilities regarding the relationship, the needs of each partner, the raising of children, and so on, require that the two act as one flesh. Husband and wife must learn to work together in harmony, loving each other, considering each other, submitting to each other, respecting the abilities of each other, so that the goals are achieved. Selfishness and independence and pride are the great enemies of the one flesh relationship.
If these three foundations are laid in a Christian marriage then the marriage will be off to a good start. Anything based on God's word will stand strong against pressures and adversity. The joys of married life will be ours if we submit to God's blueprint. Most of our unhappiness in marriage comes from our failure to obey the one who designed it. Many fail to implement even these three basic tenets and wonder why they are not able to enjoy the marriage they wanted. Perhaps some in our midst this morning need to make adjustments to see the blessing of God that they hunger for, come into their relationship. Are you truly leaving, truly cleaving and truly becoming one flesh?
Christian marriage is God's answer to the problems of the 21st century. Yet its very language seems out of date.
Words like loyalty, faithfulness, honour, vows, trust and promises, seem so out of place in the days in which we live. Few in our generation understand the idea of covenant, so the concept of marriage as a covenant has eluded us. People today don't want a covenant, they want a contract. In the marriage covenant we take each other on to love each other through our failings as much as through our successes. We say, "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live". It is this commitment to stay with each other, and to be there for each other during the down times that is the unique formula of marriage. Will you stay with me when my boss has sacked me, when some fat cat financier has outsmarted me and stolen away our pension? When I'm dying of cancer? Will you still be with me when everyone says that its time to think about yourself and give up on that man you married?
Of course there is no one who would encourage a woman to stay in a violent abusive relationship. The Christian marriage vows say nothing about staying with the partner even though he abuses you and assaults you. No, separation is in order and the safety of the wife and children are paramount.
But such violence apart, Society teaches us we should run away from true commitment, true covenant love. Marriages are made today with the conditional clause… "As long as shall both be happy".
To our neighbours it is not only acceptable to walk out, but also ridiculous not to, if you are unhappy. But the church says marriage is to be for as long as you both shall live. So we are torn between the world and the church, between covenant and contract. Marriage is under so much attack today because it runs so totally opposed to the values of our age. And that is precisely why marriage is so remarkably valuable.
Only covenant marriage is truly satisfying. It draws strength from our past together as well as from our future. A contract marriage only has to do with how I feel at the present time. A Christian needs to see his relationship to God and to other Christians as covenants too.
Let us learn the process of commitment and covenant with the people around us, with our wives and husbands, our family, our friends, our church. Let us throw away the shackles of selfishness and individualism and see ourselves as a part of something big that God is doing, that he wants us to live for and commit to, in covenant relationship.
Let us submit to the fact that we are sinful creatures who need the help and grace of God continually to be able to be faithful to our commitments and vows, to be able to love and serve those that we are in relationship with.
Let us realize that the Power to love comes from God who is love, and that this love that we need in our relationships is given to us by God through the Holy Spirit.
Romans 5:5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
It is the love of God that makes our relationships work and prosper, whether the relationship is in a marriage or family or church.
1 John 4:16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
Perhaps you have a relationship that is not working. You don't know what to do about it, you don't know which way to turn.
Firstly, is it a relationship that you should be in? If the relationship is immoral you need to walk away from it and walk towards God. Perhaps you are single and sad, perhaps you are married and miserable, Jesus Christ has the answer for you. Through Him you can come to the Father and become His son or daughter. Then from that position of security and blessing you can be led into a new way of living and loving that will satisfy your heart and set you free to be what God wanted you to be. God's Holy Spirit will teach you how to make your relationships work. His wisdom becomes your wisdom, His strength your strength, His love becomes your love. His patience becomes your patience.
Won't you turn to Him this morning?
As we bow during the quietness of our communion time examine your life and yield yourself up to God. Let the emblems mean everything to you this morning that they are supposed to mean.
The broken bread symbolizes the broken substitutionary body of Jesus on the cross dying in our place, so that we could be redeemed and saved from the power of sin. The wine represents the blood of Jesus shed in that same death to wash away all our sins and cleanse us so that we can become a habitation of God in the Spirit.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU
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